Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

For as long as I can remember, perfectionism had been an inherent part of who I was. My perfectionism was there in early childhood. My parents share stories of walking into my bedroom when I should have been napping but instead, I would be arranging my figurines in perfectly straight lines. I have memories of how interfering my perfectionism could be, like trying to make my bed with a ruler or reciting a nightly prayer, that if not perfect, I would have to repeat before I allowed myself to go to bed.

Later years were marked by an insatiable drive to excel and trying to follow my own impossibly high standards. The alternative was to feel like a failure or quit. My parents—non-perfectionists—always encouraged me to “do my best.” But what was the best? Who was the best? And couldn’t I always do better? My expansive definition of best contributed to crippling pressures to achieve and succeed. Beneath this illusion of perfectionism was anxiety—dressed up as perfectionism.

The Cost of Perfectionism

Perfectionism, often celebrated in our achievement-oriented society, sets an unattainable standard that inevitably leads to stress, anxiety, inadequacy and burnout. This brings many to therapy.

The turning point for me, came early in my career, during a session with a client. She held herself and those around her to unachievable standards. However, it was not her relentless pursuit of perfection that brought her into therapy. It was a mistake that she had made in her twenties that drastically altered her life and prevented her from living it. I saw a future where perfectionism made everything black-or-white. I didn’t want to be paralyzed by my mistakes and always chasing my next great achievement. I wanted to get off this hamster wheel. And I realized that I needed to change not just for my sake, but also to be a better guide for my clients.

Getting off the Hamster Wheel: Embracing Imperfection

I explored the roots of my perfectionism, examining societal expectations and core beliefs that shaped my mindset. While I listened and challenged self-limited beliefs for my clients, I practiced doing the same for myself. I learned about the psychology of perfectionism and discovered that it often stems from the anxiety of failure and a deep-seated belief that one's worth is tied to their achievements. This understanding was liberating and marked the beginning of my recovery.

Embracing imperfection was not an overnight transformation but a gradual, ongoing process. I started by setting more realistic expectations and adopting more self-compassion. I learned to appreciate progress over perfection and to celebrate small victories instead of fixating on perceived shortcomings.

One of the most transformative practices was learning to be kinder to myself and caring less what others thought. By releasing the fear of other’s judgment, I found I had more freedom to be myself. I began to treat myself with the same compassion and understanding that I extended to others. When I made mistakes, I tried to see them as opportunities for growth rather than catastrophes. This shift reduced my self-imposed fear of failure and made me more resilient to criticism and perceived judgment.

My recovery also occurred in tandem with big life events that made my perfectionism feel trivial. Many of these life events were happy—moves, marriage, and children, while others were distressing, but through them, I found that my life had less room for perfectionism.

Imperfection: A Work in Progress

Recovery from perfectionism is an ongoing journey. I make plenty of mistakes. There are times I send out mass emails with spelling errors. Despite my best efforts, I am sure this post has flaws. I am learning to laugh these off without falling into old patterns of self-criticism and shame. There are still moments when I find myself slipping into perfectionist thinking. But now, I have the tools and awareness to recognize these patterns and gently steer myself back on course. I remind myself that imperfection is a natural part of being human. And being authentic, genuine, and human, is how I want to show up in my relationships, in my work, and for myself.

A Note to Perfectionist Moms:

I see a version of myself in my clients, especially those who describe themselves as high-achieving, type A and perfectionistic. They sit across from me, their faces etched with the exhaustion of trying to meet impossible standards at work, in relationships and within parenting.

High-achieving, perfectionist women, tend to struggle with postpartum anxiety in motherhood because they thrive when they are in control and life is organized, and so much of motherhood is not having control, enduring chaos, and let’s face it, getting a little messy. Motherhood is also unpredictable and uncertain, while perfectionism tends to favor black-and-white and rigid thinking as a means to keep their anxiety at bay.

By the time my daughter was born, I had a better handle on my perfectionism. But I do recall needing her to be perfect as I started assimilating perfectionism with her being safe and okay. This realization was helpful in reducing perfectionistic thinking and getting support for my anxiety in early parenting. Even now, I sometimes catch myself saying words like, “Oh, that’s perfect” to my children, when what I mean is, “That’s correct” or “That’s great” And I try to be more mindful of language. But I know, even imperfection can’t be done perfectly.

To my fellow perfectionists, I offer this: Let go of the need to be perfect in all areas of your life. Start with one, and if the world is still spinning, keep it going. Embrace your imperfections and find successes in your progress. Your worth is not defined by your achievements. Know that you are enough, just as you are.

Interested in More?

Does this sound like you? Perhaps you have a child exhibiting similar signs of perfectionism. Check out this week’s Therapist in Your EAR Episode: Reducing Perfectionism in Children, your guide to navigating, supporting, and reducing your child’s perfectionism.

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