Relationship Advice from the "Expert" of Living with an Expert
With quarantine and social distancing, you and your partner are likely experiencing a lot of “togetherness”. Perhaps this has brought out the best in your relationship, but more likely you have suddenly noticed how loudly your partner chews their cereal in the morning. Most people are experiencing increased anxiety due to COVID-19 and if you are in a relationship, then you may be taking out this stress on your partner. While it is not always fair, it is easy to take out anger, stress, anxiety, or frustrations on the ones you love. Welcome to being in a relationship at the time of quarantine.
Instead of hearing about healthy relationships from the therapist in the family, I asked my husband, “B” his thoughts and feelings about relationships. And here’s he is what he had to say…
1. What are the signs of a healthy relationship?
Kindness
Good Communication
Listening
Affection
Compromise
Not being a jerk*
B: “Well, I don’t think that there is one size that fits all when it comes to healthy relationships. I think that it is about what works for you. What is healthy for us might not be healthy for someone else.”
B notes that kindness, support, and feeling gratitude for one another are signs of a healthy relationship. “I think that it’s the simple things, like being kind (as much as possible), eating meals together, giving compliments.” (I appreciate these too!)
He also believes that it takes more than just communication to make a healthy relationship work, but also taking actionable steps that will benefit the other person. “I think listening and taking action is important. So not just listening, but having behavior that follows. I think putting the other person first and being selfless (not that I can always do this because I can’t). But when I recognize that I am being selfish then I can make a change.” (Actionable steps in communication, I might have to start using this in sessions!)
B insightfully shares, “It takes work, there is no relationship that is successful without action, and it takes work every day. We love each other so we are willing to put in the work."
B continues, “When things are challenging or when one person is struggling the other person can step in to help.” During the pandemic, B shares, “It has been fun, in a way, to be locked up with my family. There is no one else that I would rather be locked up with and it makes me feel lucky to be together right now.”
B shares that many of his insights for healthy relationships are true in a “non-quarantine environment.”
2. What are some things that you can do to improve communication with a partner?
Let go of judgments
Listen without always trying to form your response
Communication can be more than just talking, like taking action
Communication is always something that B and I are trying to improve. While I consider us to be good communicators, communication can always be worked on. I like to think of communication like a dance. If one person knows all the correct steps, but the other person does not you still windup stepping on the other one’s toes. Sometimes it can be difficult for one partner to communicate and express his/ her feelings. B adds to this, “For guys especially, a lot of times we don’t like to talk about how we are feeling and we keep things in. The longer something stews before you talk about it the more it can build up and come out in negative ways.”
B’s advice, “Even when it is painful or you don’t want to talk, it is important to talk. That includes when something bad is happening or when something good is happening. I think that setting aside time to talk about feelings is important.”
B recognizes that this does not always come easily to him and many people, “I think sometimes my first reaction is to get upset”, which he notes does not help in communication and referenced a recent incident when our toddler got into a bottle of Advil (while on my watch), “But then, you have to be able to recognize the upset feeling and talk about it in a helpful way. This is important and necessary.”
When it comes to balancing childcare and work during the pandemic, B values over-communication about schedules and expectations, but he also notes that there should be some joy in communicating too. “I think playing games is helpful for communication, instead of just watching TV.” (We are currently in the middle of a very intense cribbage tournament, there is very little talking, we take it too seriously! But the other part is correct, we do communicate well about scheduled meetings and sessions, who is watching the baby when and our realistic expectations of the other.)
3. What is the best way to address a crisis, either in a relationship or outside of the relationship?
B gives advice to others out there, “The first thing is to try to breathe and be calm when you can do it. I think it depends on what the crisis is. My answer varies depending on the specifics of the situation.” (How about a global pandemic?)
B continues, “If it is something that you can’t control, like coronavirus, you can remain calm and try to do the right thing and then let go of the results. I can’t control the things that I can’t control, but I can do the right thing.”
B continues in reference to the current climate, “In a pandemic, I think routine is important so that you feel like you do have control over something. For me, I have been doing yoga, which has been helpful. Also, relying on your partner, family, or friends is helpful. Try not to think too far ahead, but rather approach the crisis in shorter increments—like the day or the week in front of me.”
4. What are your tips on co-parenting?
Communicate & Listen
Make decisions together
Don’t come down on anyone’s ideas
Remember, it is a joint effort
B’s views on healthy parenting, “It should not be a contest for who is doing more. Try not to tally up who is doing what. If you are co-parenting well then you are both doing a lot. Everyone always thinks that they are doing more but the truth is if you are both working hard then you are both doing a lot.”
B bluntly continues, “When you don’t feel like doing something, like changing a diaper or doing the dishes, well too bad that is my responsibility because I have a baby and I have to do it. Find the tasks that you are good at and switch off doing the fun tasks.” (B did not specify which tasks he was good at or which ones were the “fun” tasks!)
As for parenting values, B believes, that you should “communicate and be aligned on your values in parenting. Talking about values with parenting is important.”
Ideally, you would not discuss these topics in front of your child, but if you have to have a serious conversation in front of children B says, “Remain calm in front of the child. Remain calm for her and you guys.” B, warns, “Fighting is different than having a discussion. Watch your tone in front of the baby. Maybe don’t engage right away and come back to something when you are a little calmer.”
5. Advice for other couples in quarantine together?
Laugh a lot
Spend quality time together
Maintain Hope
B shared that couples should not take themselves so seriously during this time by “laughing a lot.” He also suggests spending quality time together, separate from all of the time you are spending together trying to get through quarantine. “Try a yoga date night; go on drives together or get outside in a safe way; puzzles are cool, even though we haven’t done one in quarantine.” (I think we have done one puzzle together in our entire relationship!)
B’s final advice, “Know you will get through it, eventually, hopefully.” (So optimistic, right until the end there!)
6. What is it like to be married to a therapist?
B responds, “It is the best.” (I did not tell him to say that!)
“Your job is to help people. I obviously don’t do that directly, but because I am married to you, part of me feels like it is helping, just by helping you.” B, also compliments, “Jamie is not just a therapist, but she owns a business and that is cool to see.” (Thank you, hun!)
B adds the-not-so-fun part of being married to a therapist, “There are definitely times when you try to put me on your therapy couch, but I can see right through that stuff*.” (It is true, I do, and he does!)
B did not have advice for others who are in a relationship with therapists as he states he has only been married to the one and has nothing to compare it to. (Fair enough!)
So there it is advice from the expert of living with an expert. B does not have a master’s degree or hold any licensures, but he is a great partner and we have not killed each other during quarantine yet. For more on relationship skills during a crisis, reach out to the actual experts here.
Nurture Therapy offers couple’s counseling sessions and is currently conducting all therapy sessions via teletherapy.
*Inappropriate language was changed for the purpose of this piece