Maintaining a Satisfying and Healthy Relationship with your Partner After Your Baby
The best gift that parents can give their newborn babies is to be in a strong and loving relationship. This means finding joy in parenting, in your baby, and in your relationship with your partner. However, two-thirds of couples report dissatisfaction in their relationship the first three-years after a baby is born (Gottman & Gottman, 2007). For some of us, this number feels shockingly high, and for others of us, this number may make sense.
Having a baby is one of the most stressful events that an individual and family can go through. The challenge of caring for a baby often interferes with sleep, sex, romance, and overall intimacy that are needed in a satisfying relationship. The one-third of couples who continued to feel satisfied in their relationships after the arrival of a baby realized that the stress they encountered was outside of the relationship. When conflicts inevitably did arise, they were better able to manage them. Here are some things to do and not to do in your relationship after having a baby.
Per The Gottman Institute, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt are predictors of relationship problems—and many of us are guilty of engaging in at least one or all of these behaviors.
CRITICISM
Criticism is a critique or complaint that attacks our partner or points out their defects. Subtle forms of criticism include phrases like, "You never" or "You always."
Pro Tip: Instead of "You never take out the garbage"; try "I am upset because the garbage hasn't been taken out."
DEFENSIVENESS
Defensiveness results from feeling criticized or attacked. We use defensiveness by a) attacking back; b) proclaiming innocence; c) being indignant, or d) acting like a victim.
Pro Tip: Try openly acknowledging your part in a fight. We all make mistakes—better to own them and make peace than deny them and make war.
STONEWALLING
To stonewall someone is to become like a stone wall and give no response whatsoever. Ever try having a conversation with your partner when they're engrossed in their phone?! Others give the-silent-treatment when they are mad, upset, or overwhelmed.
Pro Tip: Sometimes we do need a break, but come back to our partners in a reasonable time period.
CONTEMPT
Contempt is the strongest predictor of the end of a relationship. Examples of contempt range from abusive language ("You disgust me") to more moderate contempt ("How will you make it up to me for always being late"). Subtle contempt will also destroy relationships--it may just take longer. Bottom line: all contempt is toxic.
Pro Tip: Express admiration and respect to your partner, in small ways, every day. Next time the dishwasher is emptied, try saying, thank you!
In a study by Bernie Zilbergeld (2002) looking at the sex lives of couples, couples were asked to rate their sex lives from "satisfying-to-great" to "not good-to-awful." Guess what every one of the satisfied couples identified as two priorities to creating a satisfying sex life??
They made sure they maintained a close friendship
They simply made sex a priority
Here are some simple ways from Gottman and Gottman (2007) to build and maintain a friendship in our relationship (wink).
BUILD LOVE MAPS
Love maps are the road map to your partner's inner world. They help us feel deeply known and therefore, connected to our partners. How do we do this? Simply ask questions. Ask open-ended questions to your partner that leads to stories and deep answers. One woman I know shared that she has question cards on her coffee table and every once in and while she and her partner pick one to ask the other.
GIVE A COMPLIMENT
Expressing appreciation, affection, and admiration for your partner. These are small, daily events praising, appreciating, or gently touching our partners. When our daughter was first born, my husband and I gave each other one compliment each night specific to how we were either a good partner or good parent that day. We felt seen and connected. We still rely on this exercise when we need to reconnect with each other.
RESPOND TO EACH OTHER
Simply responding to one another, or as Gottman and Gottman (2007) state, turning toward one another is often missed and perhaps one of the most important things that we can do to maintain a friendship. When one person makes says something, the other partner should respond. Here is a story that my mom used to tell me:
A couple is having a relaxing weekend away. The husband is an avid bird watcher—a passion that is not shared by his wife. The husband is standing by the window and sees a [insert interesting/ rare bird here] and says to his wife, who is quietly reading on the couch, “Hunny, look it’s a [blank] bird!”
The wife has three options, she can:
a) Remain seated and say, “Uh huh, cool.”
b) Snap at her husband, “Can’t you see I am reading?! I never get this opportunity, I don’t want to get up right now.”
c) Put her book down, stand up and see the bird that her husband is so excited about.
Which option is an example of turning toward your partner? Written out like this, the last option seems the most reasonable for maintaining a good connection. However, when we are tired or in the middle of doing something it is easier to give in to the first, even second, option. Every comment or question is a small (or large) bid for attention, which is really just the need for a moment of emotional connection. How we respond means nearly everything.
Relationships are repairable and it is important to recognize this even in our most intimate relationships. If you are struggling, help is available. Nurture Therapy utilizes evidence-based therapies for couples to help new parents find one another again. Check out And Baby Makes Three by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D.
Reference: Gottman, J. and Gottman J. (2007) And baby makes three: The six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance after baby arrives. Three Rivers Press, New York, NY.