Mighty Mama: Vania Rios and her Journey from Postpartum Suffering to Postpartum Healing
Vania always wanted to be a mom. But when she unexpectedly became pregnant a few months into her relationship with her now-husband, she was nervous. “It definitely caused a lot of discord and strong emotions trying to navigate being a new parent and still trying to figure out who each other was.” The first year of motherhood was challenging for Vania, she felt anxious, and full of rage—a common symptom of PPD—and knew something did not feel right. “My rage episodes often happened when my anxiety would become unmanageable. It was hard and I often hated myself after it happened.” On her worst days, Vania found herself having intrusive thoughts. “I remember talking to my husband that I didn’t feel like myself, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.” It wasn’t until a few years later that Vania realized that she was suffering from postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.
1. PLEASE SHARE SOME OF YOUR EXPERIENCES AND STRUGGLES IN EARLY MOTHERHOOD.
“I had always wanted to be a mom since I was little but when we found out that we were having our first child a couple of months into dating it was nerve-wracking. It definitely caused a lot of discord and strong emotions trying to navigate being a new parent and still trying to figure out who each other was. Once we found our groove with things, I started feeling not like myself within that first year of motherhood. I was so on edge and my anxiety was going through the roof being at home alone. I couldn’t manage simple things like the baby crying or the tantrums. I remember talking to my husband that I didn’t feel like myself but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It wasn’t until a few years later when I had a conversation with a friend that I realized that I was suffering from severe PPD and PPA. It was a hard realization but finally putting a label to it made me feel better.”
2. HOW DID YOU KNOW SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT?
“I think I knew something didn’t feel right in a few ways. I think the first thing that made me realize that I was not ok was that I was having rage episodes— I know now that it’s a symptom of PPD —with Kaeden and later with my other children. I also was having really bad anxiety coupled with that. My rage episodes often happened when my anxiety would become unmanageable. It was hard and I often hated myself after it happened. I was also having harmful intrusive thoughts on bad days where I would think of scary things that I didn’t want to act on but they would just pop up in my head. Being touched out was another way I knew something was wrong. I often couldn’t even be hugged or touched by my husband when he would come home from work. It was a lot of different symptoms wrapped into one.”
3. WHAT DID YOU DO TO HEAL?
“This is a hard question because I’m still healing. I didn’t realize what was actually going on with me until I was postpartum with our second baby so it took me years to realize what was going on. Once I did, I tried to manage it myself because the thought of going on medication scared me and made me feel defeated. It wasn’t until I was postpartum with our third baby last year that I knew the signs and symptoms well enough to know when it was getting worse and I came to the realization that I needed to do what was best for my mental health and put myself first to be the best version of myself for my family. As soon as the symptoms came up, I stopped exclusively pumping because it was adding to my anxiety and I started therapy to work through my PPD. I took the step to go on medication and it was the BEST decision I ever made. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner because it really helped me manage my anxiety and other symptoms associated with PPD and PPA. Another part of my healing is sharing my story of motherhood on my social media. It gives me the opportunity to be vulnerable and connect with moms who are going through the same thing and it helps me feel less alone.”
4. WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND TO OTHER MOTHERS OUT THERE WHO MAY BE STRUGGLING?
“Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open with your struggles. I think we as moms tend to think we have to be super all the time and keep everything bottled up but that quickly becomes unhealthy and isolating. Motherhood is HARD. It really takes a great support system to help get you through it. And releasing the emotions and connecting with others through our struggles not only helps us but can help moms who maybe aren’t as vocal with what they are going through.”
5. WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT MOTHERS DO NOT DISCUSS WITH EACH OTHER THAT YOU WISH THAT THEY DID?
“Through my journey with PPD and anxiety, I’ve really become an advocate for mothers to discuss mental health more. It can be a very taboo topic but it doesn’t have to be. The more that we recognize that it’s very common for mothers—and even partners—to struggle with mental health during pregnancy or postpartum, the more we can educate ourselves beforehand, recognize symptoms, and get the support that we need to get us through.”
6. HOW CAN WE CHANGE THE STIGMA FOR MOTHERS WHO MAY BE SUFFERING?
“We all experience hardship through life and go through our journeys. Motherhood is no different. What I realized from my journey is that what I’m experiencing isn’t always aligned with what my mom friends are going through but that doesn’t mean it’s any less or anything that I should be ashamed of. Mothers go through so much. We create life and carry this life for 9 months. Our bodies change, our hormones change, our relationships change. It’s so much piled onto one plate at the same time. And I wish people had more empathy for this. I wish there were more open conversations for all the struggles a mom can possibly go through without judgment on who she is as a person or mom. It’s easy to judge a person without walking in their shoes and I often think moms get overlooked because we are supposed to have it all together, all the time. So not true. I don’t know one mom who has it together all the time, and if they do then bless them. All I know is moms need so much support and readily available sources to help with these struggles. And the more we talk about them, the more we will educate people on the “norms” of what mothers go through.”
Vania is the founder and creator of Rios Talk. She shares about motherhood and lifestyle on her blog and social media platform. Vania and her family live in the suburbs of Chicago.