Cultivating Hope on the Path to Parenthood: Insights from a Reproductive Mental Health Specialist

Written by Stefanie Bonnell, LCSW

As a reproductive mental health therapist, I have the honor and privilege of accompanying individuals and couples through the often turbulent waters of infertility. National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is a time to acknowledge the struggles, triumphs, and complex emotions that come with the journey to parenthood. 

I often say to my clients, “You have to have a little nugget of hope in order to keep going.”  So, I want to delve into the concept of hope in the context of infertility, drawing from an insightful article by Carol Kauffman titled "What is Hope in Psychology".

Infertility can be an incredibly isolating experience. Many who walk this path find themselves grappling with a multitude of emotions ranging from sadness and anger to frustration and guilt. Amidst this emotional whirlwind, maintaining a sense of hope can seem like an impossible task. However, as Kauffman's article suggests, hope is not merely wishful thinking; it's a powerful psychological tool that can be cultivated and nurtured.

What is Hope?

As per Snyder et al. (1991), hope is a positive cognitive state rooted in a sense of determined goal-setting and planning to achieve goals successfully. In simpler terms, hope reflects a snapshot of a person's focused thinking towards their goals, emphasizing both the drive to pursue them and the expectation of them being attainable.

Hope is the driving force behind our commitment to goals and our motivation to take action. It provides us with the reason to keep fighting and believing that our current circumstances will improve, even in the face of life's unpredictability.  So, if we need hope to keep moving forward, but our fertility journey feels like a boxing match we can’t win, what can we do?

Steps to Cultivate Hope

One of the first steps in fostering hope is acknowledging and validating your feelings. In therapy sessions, I encourage my clients to express their emotions openly and without judgment. This process of emotional exploration creates a safe space for clients to process their grief, confront their fears and openly express their successes and set-backs.

A crucial aspect of building hope is setting realistic goals and expectations. In the realm of family forming, this might involve creating a realistic timeline for treatment or exploring alternative paths to parenthood such as third party reproduction or surrogacy. By breaking down the sometimes overwhelming task of family forming into smaller, more manageable, pragmatic steps, individuals can regain a sense of agency and control over their experience.

One of the key phrases I use in my sessions (coined by fellow social worker, Brene Brown) is the concept of “dress rehearsing tragedy”. It's all too common for those struggling with infertility to fall into the trap of this type of catastrophic thinking, believing that their situation is hopeless and that they are somehow to blame.  My therapeutic work around cultivating hope emphasizes the importance of identifying and challenging negative thought patterns. Through evidence based practices, such as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT), I support my clients in reframing these negative thoughts and develop more adaptive coping strategies.

Self-compassion is another essential component of fostering hope. Infertility can take a blow on one's self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. By practicing self-compassion through such ways as mindfulness, boundary setting, and forgiveness, individuals can learn to treat themselves with kindness and understanding, even in the face of inevitable setbacks and disappointments.

My clients express feelings of great appreciation and gratitude for the infertility community. They report that connecting with others going through similar experiences provides a strong source of hope, validation and kinship. Support groups, both in-person and online, offer a space for individuals to share their stories, exchange advice, and find solidarity in their experiences.  More than a few times, my clients and I have leaned on the wealth of knowledge found in these groups, expressing “these people seem to know everything!” 

Finally, finding meaning and purpose beyond the desire for parenthood can be a powerful source of hope. Whether it's pursuing a passion, focusing on personal growth, or nurturing existing relationships, discovering fulfillment outside of the realm of fertility has the power to bring a renewed sense of purpose to one's life.  

Hopeful Takeaways

Hope is more than a mere state of mind; it's a force that drives action. And without it, how can we find the motivation to pursue our goals or the resilience to rise up when we fall? Many people see hope as an all-or-nothing concept, believing that despair must be completely gone for any hope to exist. However, hope is resilient. It may ebb and flow, but even in our darkest moments, there's a flicker of light, guiding us forward.  Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel.

When you think about your own sense of hope, how do you fare?  Having a little nugget of hope is how we keep going, so know that you don’t have to do it alone.  Reach out, and together we can move forward with the hope of brighter days ahead.

In the realm of infertility, hope is not just a fleeting emotion but a resilient force that sustains us through the often tumultuous journey to parenthood. By acknowledging our emotions, setting realistic goals, challenging negative thoughts, and practicing self-compassion, we can nurture hope within ourselves. Moreover, finding solace and strength within the infertility community and discovering purpose beyond parenthood offer additional avenues for hope to thrive. As you navigate the challenges of infertility, hold onto that little nugget of hope, like I encourage my clients to do, knowing that even in the darkest moments, it illuminates the path forward. Together, with resilience and determination, you will embrace the hope of brighter days ahead on the journey to parenthood.

If you or someone you love is struggling with infertility and would like additional support, don’t lose hope, help is available and it works.