Maternal Mental Load: Understanding & Navigating this Invisible Burden
As a therapist specializing in maternal mental health, I often hear from my clients that they feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of tasks, responsibilities and emotional demands placed upon them as mothers. Whether you work outside of the home—balancing career with family or you’re a stay-at-home mom, managing the complexities of child rearing and household tasks, the maternal mental load is something that impacts nearly every mother and parent.
What is the Maternal Mental Load?
Maternal mental load is the overwhelming sense of being mentally overburdened by the endless tasks, responsibilities, cognitive labor and emotional demands involved in running a household and caring for your family. The maternal mental load is larger than just feeling busy or stressed. It isn’t just about doing the dishes or folding laundry—although, this may very well be on your to do list, too. The mental burden comes from managing everyone’s current needs and anticipating future ones, which often goes unseen. For me, it’s the feeling that no matter how much I do, there’s always more left undone—and if I stop, even for a moment, everything I am juggling might come crashing down. Not a good feeling, right?
Why the Mental Load Hits Women Harder?
The mental load disproportionately affects mothers and women largely due to societal expectations and ingrained cultural norms that persist despite attempts to balance household responsibilities in dual working families. Societal norms often view women as the primary caregivers, even when they work full-time (Cerrato & Cifre, 2018). This expectation can lead women to take on more of the mental load associated with organizing, planning, and managing the household and children's needs. Mothers are often seen as the "default" parent and are therefore, the first called upon when issues arise, even when fathers (or the other parent) are equally capable of handling the parental task. This concept is supported by studies showing that even in dual-income households, women tend to handle most of the emotional and logistical aspects of parenting (Daminger, 2019).
As a therapist, I've seen firsthand how these dynamics play out in real-life scenarios. For example, even though I’m unavailable to answer calls during sessions and have explicitly listed my husband as the primary contact for parenting matters during work hours, the school still directs calls to me. This illustrates how deeply rooted gender roles continue to shape our lives, affecting women's mental load. Understanding these reasons can be a powerful first step toward shifting the balance, encouraging open communication, and challenging the societal norms that place an unfair burden on mothers.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing Mental Load
Difficulty concentrating or finishing tasks
Decision fatigue
Irritability or frustration
Resentment toward your partner or those who seem to have it easier
Racing thoughts which makes it difficult to sleep
Anxiety or a sense of dread
Perfectionism
Feelings of guilt or failure
Physical symptoms, like headaches or muscle tension
Why It’s So Hard to Share the Load
If you have never experienced this kind of mental load, you might be thinking, why not just ask for help?
It's difficult to unload the mental load on someone else. Even in partnerships that consciously strive for equality in the home, traditional gender roles—reinforced by external institutions and societal expectations—still have a significant impact. Women are often socialized from a young age to prioritize the invisible work of managing tasks, schedules, and responsibilities, which demands proactive thinking and multitasking (Lyonette, 2015). This mental labor is not only exhausting but also challenging to delegate, as it involves anticipating needs, planning, and organizing—tasks women are typically expected to perform without being explicitly asked. On top of this, women frequently feel pressured to be nurturing, patient, and attentive, even at the expense of their own well-being. This internalized expectation to be everything to everyone creates a constant mental strain, making it nearly impossible to ever truly 'clock out' or mentally disengage from these roles.
Breaking the Cycle
To address maternal mental load, it’s essential to recognize it as a systemic issue tied to gender roles. Creating awareness in our homes, workplaces, and communities can help shift the narrative. We need to encourage open conversations about mental load, advocate for shared responsibilities, and teach the next generation that caregiving is a partnership, not a one-sided obligation.
I teach my clients practical tips for managing the maternal mental load; one of the most valuable things I’ve done is build a community of mom friends with children close in age to mine. I met these incredible women through my children’s school, and we’ve supported each other in countless ways—whether it’s picking up kids from school when someone gets stuck in a meeting or has a delayed flight, being listed as an emergency contact, showing up with a double stroller when the daycare loses power and the kids need to be picked up immediately, or simply being a shoulder to lean on when it all feels like too much.
Maternal mental load is a significant challenge, but it’s not insurmountable. By recognizing when you’re reaching your limit and implementing practical strategies you can regain a sense of control and mental clarity.
Conclusion
Maternal mental load is a gendered issue, influenced by societal expectations and the cultural weight of caregiving roles. By understanding its roots, we can begin to dismantle these norms and create a more equitable distribution of emotional and cognitive labor in our homes. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being. You’re not just a mother—you’re a person with needs, desires, and limits. Taking care of yourself isn’t just beneficial for you; it’s essential for your entire family. Together, we can navigate the challenges of motherhood with resilience, grace, and a bit of well-deserved self-compassion.
Interested in more on maternal mental load and the practical tips I share with my clients. Tune into Therapist In Your EAR.
References:
Cerrato, J., & Cifre, E. (2018). Gender inequality in household chores and work-family conflict. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 1330. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01330
Daminger, A. (2019). The cognitive dimension of household labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609-633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007
Goldin, C. (2014). A grand gender convergence: Its last chapter. American Economic Review, 104(4), 1091-1119. https://doi.org/10.1257/aer.104.4.1091
Lyonette, C. (2015). Unpacking the gendered 'mental load': The impact of domestic and care work on women's well-being. Community, Work & Family, 18(2), 193-212. https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2015.1023685
Sevón, E. (2012). "My life has changed, but his life hasn’t": Making sense of the gendering of parenthood during the transition to parenthood. Journal of Family Issues, 33(12), 1651-1670. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X12437693