Understanding & Overcoming Mom Guilt
As a clinician, I’ve seen firsthand how mom guilt can take a significant toll on a mother’s mental and emotional well-being. The constant self-criticism can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. It can erode self-esteem and create a sense of inadequacy. Over time, this guilt can strain relationships, lead to burnout, and rob mothers of the joy that should come with parenting.
One of the most challenging aspects of mom guilt is that it often goes unspoken. As a mother, you may believe you are alone in feeling this way, which only deepens a sense of isolation and shame. But the truth is, mom guilt is incredibly common, and it’s something that many mothers experience at some point.
What is Mom Guilt?
Mom guilt is the pervasive feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt that many mothers experience. It’s that nagging sense that you're not doing enough as a parent, that you're making the wrong choices, or the perception that you’re somehow failing your child.
These feelings are often fueled by societal pressures, the unrealistic standards of being a ‘perfect mom,’ and the comparisons we make to other mothers who seem to have it all together. While it’s normal to want to be the best parent you can be, mom guilt is overwhelming.
Whether it’s about going back to work, hating maternity leave, taking time for yourself, becoming frustrated with your child, or even the overload of every, day parenting decisions, mom guilt has a way of creeping in and overshadowing the joys of motherhood. In short, mom guilt is that voice in the back of your mind that tells you you’re not doing enough or that you’re somehow falling short in your role as a mother, even when you’re trying your very best.
The Impact of Mom Guilt on Mental Health
Guilt is deeply connected to mental health because it can perpetuate negative thinking patterns and lead to feelings of worthlessness and self-blame. When you feel guilty, you may constantly second-guess your decisions, wish the time away—then feel ashamed, and struggle to reach out for help. This can create a vicious cycle where guilt leads to increased stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms, which in turn exacerbate the feelings of guilt.
One of the most common diagnoses that includes guilt as a significant symptom is postpartum depression. Mothers experiencing postpartum depression often feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. This guilt can become so intense that it affects your ability to bond with your baby, increases your anxiety, and deepens your depression. This can lead to isolation, as you may withdraw from others to avoid judgment or further feelings of inadequacy. Over time, this isolation can make it harder for you to cope with the demands of motherhood and can increase mental health symptoms.
It’s crucial for moms to understand that these feelings of guilt are not a reflection of your abilities as a mother but rather a symptom of a mental health condition that is treatable. Seeking help, whether through therapy, support groups, or talking to other moms, can make a significant difference. Asking for help is not a luxury, it is a necessity— remember you can’t pour from an empty cup. Recognizing and addressing these feelings early on can help you regain your confidence and enjoy motherhood more fully.
Strategies for Managing and Overcoming Mom Guilt
While mom guilt is common, it doesn’t have to control your life. Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful in both my professional practice and personal life:
Acknowledge & Challenge Your Feelings: The first step in overcoming mom guilt is to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s okay to feel guilty, but it’s important not to let those feelings consume you.
A client struggled with the guilt of balancing her career and motherhood. Every time she had to travel for work or miss a bedtime, she felt terrible. Once we named the feeling—guilt—and questioned why she felt guilty when her male colleagues didn’t feel the same way. Things changed for her. Afterall, her children were safe, well-loved and cared for, and with the other parent, so why the guilt?
Challenge Unrealistic Expectations: Society often sets unrealistic standards for mothers. Recognize unrealistic expectations and challenge them both in and outside of your home. For example, one thing you can do is ensure that the school and daycare know that they should reach out to both parents equally. That way the expectation isn’t that just mom should be called during her workday when a child is ill or the school requires parent communication.
Once I started putting my partner’s contact information as the primary parent contact and explained to my daycare that I was a therapist and don’t answer my phone during session, it reduced a lot of guilt for not being reachable and available throughout the day.
Model & Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would want your kids to give to themselves. We learn from those around us. If you make your guilt a focal point in your home, then it will become one. But if you normalize this with self-compassion, your children will do the same. What would you say to your best friend if she felt the exact same way that you did? Say that to yourself.
Instead of making work the thing that took her away from her children, a friend of mine, attempts to include her children in her work in age appropriate ways. She explains what she does and why she enjoys it. They feel included in the process. The positive aspects of working and connecting is the focus in her home, not the negative ways it takes her away from her family.
Focus on the Positive: Instead of dwelling on the moments you feel you’ve “failed,” focus on the countless things you do right every day. Chances are that most of the day goes really well, but we tend to focus on the small percentage that goes poorly.
I brought this up with a client, she agreed, most of her day with her children was happy, caring and wonderful, she was present and engaged. It wasn’t until the very end of the day, after swimming, park, lunch and playing all day, that she became frustrated and yelled. But she allowed that tiny moment to ruin the rest of her otherwise lovely day.
Seek Professional Support: If mom guilt is overwhelming and affecting your well-being, consider reaching out to a therapist. Professional support can help you navigate these feelings and develop healthier coping strategies. Check out Therapist In Your EAR for the complete list of strategies.
Mom guilt is a deeply ingrained and challenging aspect of motherhood, but it doesn’t have to define your experience. By acknowledging your feelings, challenging unrealistic expectations, and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to let go of the guilt and embrace the joys of motherhood more fully. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, and seeking support—whether from friends, family, or a mental health professional—can make all the difference. You are doing an incredible job, and it’s time to give yourself the credit you deserve.