Tricky People: A Better Way to Teach “Stranger Danger” to Kids
As a therapist and a parent, one of the most important lessons we can teach our children is how to stay safe in a world that can sometimes be unpredictable. Traditionally, we’ve done this through the concept of “stranger danger,” but this approach has its limitations. Early in my career, I worked with children who had experienced trauma and abuse. It was in this role that I began to rethink how we keep children safe. The truth is, sometimes the real risk comes from people children may already know, and not all strangers are dangerous. That’s why I recommend shifting the conversation from “stranger danger” to the idea of “tricky people.”
How "Stranger Danger" Falls Short
The phrase “stranger danger” can be misleading. While it’s true that we need to teach our children to be cautious around people they don’t know, the reality is that not all strangers are harmful. Labeling all unfamiliar people as dangerous can create unnecessary fear and confusion.
Statistically, most child abuse cases involve someone the child already knows. This is where the concept of "tricky people" becomes more effective. It shifts the focus from fearing all strangers to identifying behaviors that are inappropriate or unsafe, regardless of whether the person is a stranger or someone familiar.
What Are “Tricky People”?
“Tricky people” are individuals who may try to manipulate or deceive children into doing something that doesn’t feel right or that they know they shouldn’t do. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, a “tricky person” tries to get a child to do something that doesn’t feel right or that they know they shouldn’t do. A “tricky person” may not intend harm on the child, which is exactly what makes them tricky. It's important to encourage kids to think through and recognize behaviors and situations that might not feel right. Unlike “stranger danger,” which focuses solely on people we don’t know, the concept of tricky people is about recognizing behaviors and situations that are unsafe, regardless of who is involved.
For example, a tricky person might:
Ask a child to keep a secret from their parents.
Offer the child something enticing, like candy or a toy, in exchange for doing something.
Try to get the child to go somewhere with them without their parents’ permission.
All these examples in themselves, may not be inherently bad or dangerous, but certainly have the potential to be. Think about this; a well-meaning grandparent asking a child to keep a secret from his parent after sneaking him candy before dinner and saying, “Don’t tell your parents”. There is nothing dangerous about this situation; the child is not in any harm; perhaps the only risk is the child’s dinner being spoiled. What makes this situation tricky is that the child learns to keep secrets from his parents, which may change the child’s view of his parents as safe and trusting people. And certainly there are other examples of an adult asking a child that does put the child in a dangerous situation or real harm.
Teaching Kids About “Tricky People”
My goal is to empower children to think critically about a situation that may or may not be safe, to identify and avoid unsafe situations, and to be able to trust themselves. Here’s how you can talk to your kids about tricky people:
Teach Them to Trust Their Instincts: Encourage your child to listen to their gut feelings. If something doesn’t feel right, they should get away from the situation and find a trusted adult immediately.
Use Clear, Age-Appropriate Language: Explain that tricky people can be anyone—strangers or even people they know. What makes someone tricky is how they act, not whether they’re a stranger.
Role-Playing Scenarios: Practice different scenarios with your child so they can recognize tricky behaviors. For example, you might say, “What would you do if someone you know asks you to do a favor that makes you feel uncomfortable, like keeping something secret or helping them with something you know isn’t right?”
. No, Can Be a Full Sentence: Teach them that it’s okay to say “no” and to talk to a trusted adult. Children may view the word, “no” as a negative or resistant, but it can also be a boundary to keep them safe. Talk about “no” as a full sentence, meaning a person can say no to something that feels uncomfortable without explanation or excuse. We can teach children to be kind and still set a firm boundary.
Safe Adults and Safe Places: Identify who the safe adults are in your child’s life and where they can go if they ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Make sure they know it’s okay to go to these people or places if they need help.
Reassuring Your Child
While it’s essential to educate your child about tricky people, it’s equally important to do so without instilling unnecessary fear. Reinforce the idea that most people are good, and that by learning how to recognize tricky behavior, they can protect themselves while still enjoying the world around them. Emphasize that they can always come to you with questions or if they ever feel unsure about a situation.
The more nuanced idea of “tricky people,” gives our children a better understanding of how to think critically and stay safe in a variety of situations. This approach teaches them to trust their instincts, recognize inappropriate behavior, and seek help when needed, regardless of whether the person involved is a stranger or someone familiar.
The goal is to empower children with the tools they need to navigate the world safely and confidently. With these skills, they’ll be better equipped to protect themselves while still enjoying the freedom and curiosity that childhood should bring.
Interested in hearing more? Check out this week’s Therapist In Your EAR episode on Tricky People.