Navigating the Emotional Journey of Kindergarten—As the Parent
After dropping my daughter off for her first day of kindergarten, I felt inspired to write about this emotional milestone that many parents face—sending their child off to kindergarten. Transitions are often filled with excitement and pride; it certainly was for my daughter, who proudly packed her own snack and carefully selected her special back-to-school-outfit. However, these big milestones can also bring about feelings of grief and loss for parents. I want to normalize these emotions as an important part of the parenting journey.
The Mixed Emotions of Milestones
The first day of kindergarten is a significant milestone in your child’s life. It marks the beginning of their formal education, new friendships, and greater independence. As parents, witnessing this leap can evoke a mixture of pride, joy, and a sense of accomplishment.
It's completely normal to feel a wave of emotions as your child starts kindergarten. You might find yourself worrying about how they’ll cope with the separation, make new friends, or handle the structure of a school day. These concerns are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge them. As parents, we often feel the need to have everything under control, but it’s okay to let yourself experience these feelings fully. In addition to a sense of pride and joy, you may also experience a sense of grief as your child goes off to kindergarten. As both a kindergarten-parent and a therapist, I understand the complex feelings that come with this transition, and I’d like to share some insights to help you prepare for this new chapter.
Loss of Together and Control Over Routine
For many parents, especially those who have been primary caregivers, the shift to kindergarten means a significant change in daily routines. The time once spent together is now spent apart. If your child was previously in daycare or with another caregiver, you may be used to frequent updates about your child’s activities—from how much they ate at lunch to when they used the restroom. Now, you may find yourself relying more on your child for information and experiencing less direct communication from the school.
For example, my daughter mentioned that they went to the library and watched three movies today. Another mother heard from her daughter it was half a turtle movie and a snack. Meanwhile, a third boy insisted there was no movies and no library visit. While our children may not provide accurate information, how they experienced their day is much more valuable than the specifics of what they experienced.
Acknowledgment of Time Passing
Sending your child to kindergarten is a reminder of how quickly time passes. The baby and toddler years are behind you, and this realization can stir up feelings of sadness and nostalgia. The cliché hold true: the days are long, but the years are fast.
We Fear What’s Unknown
The start of school introduces a new environment filled with uncertainties. It’s natural to worry about your child’s well-being, their ability to make friends, and how they will handle new challenges. Without the direct communication from teachers, we may feel we know even less. Finds ways to normalize this for you and for your child. There will be many new things, but we should not fear them.
Parent and Child Identity Shifts
As your child embraces their new role as a student, your role as a parent evolves as well. This shift can trigger a sense of loss as you redefine your identity and daily life. Clients often reach out early in their parenting journey struggling with this identity shift. After becoming accustomed to your parenting role, another adjustment is required, which can be challenging. A bit of emotional separation can help you manage these feelings and better support your child in navigating their own emotions.
Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings
Acknowledge Your Emotions
Give yourself permission experience any emotions that arise. Grief is a natural response to change. However, try to process big feelings when you are not in front of your child, as they look to you to gauge how they should feel.
When my daughter started at a new pre-school, we received a notice advising parents to cry alone in their cars. While I thought the notice could have been more tactful, I understood the point—and may or may not have cried alone in my car.
Create New Routines
Establish new routines that honor the change. This could include special morning rituals before school or new activities during your child’s school hours. If there is a coffee shop near your child’s school, find an occasion to go there to get a treat before school.
Stay Connected with the School
Find ways to stay connected with your child’s school experience. Volunteering, attending school events, chaperoning field trips, and maintaining open communication with teachers can help you feel more involved.
My daughter’s school has parent volunteers who help serve lunch. My mom did this when I was in elementary school and I remember enjoying her see me in my new environment with my new friends. Now, I am considering doing the same for my daughter.
Celebrate Milestones
Focus on the positive aspects of your child’s transition. Celebrate your child’s growth, their excitement for learning, and the new adventures ahead. Afterall, this is exciting for you and your child
Ways to Support Your Kindergartener
Support Your Child's Independence
One of the most significant aspects of starting kindergarten is the increased independence it requires from your child. While this can be a daunting shift, it’s also a wonderful opportunity for them to build confidence and self-reliance. Encourage your child to take on small responsibilities, like packing their backpack or choosing their outfit for the day. These tasks help children develop a sense of control and agency in their new experience.
Navigating Separation Anxiety
Both parents and children can experience separation anxiety during this transition. For your child, kindergarten might be their first extended time away from home, and it’s natural for them to feel nervous. Children might express their anxiety in general terms ("I’m scared to go to school") or more specific ones ("I’m worried my teacher won’t be nice"), or they might show their fears through changes in appetite, behavioral shifts, or complaints of physical symptoms. To help alleviate this anxiety, establish a consistent and comforting goodbye ritual. Whether it’s a special hug, a secret handshake, or a reassuring phrase, such a routine can offer a sense of security for both you and your child.
As a parent, your own anxiety about leaving your child at school can be an influence. It’s important to manage your stress and model a positive attitude about school. Children are incredibly perceptive and often mirror our emotions. By staying calm and confident, you can help your child feel more at ease with the separation.
Socio-Emotional Development
When recently asked about my biggest concerns about my daughter entering kindergarten, I shared that my worries were around her socio-emotional development, ensuring that she felt safe, secure and confident, and less about her academic achievement. Kindergarten is a pivotal time in a child’s social and emotional development, laying the foundation for a child’s ability to build healthy relationships, effectively manage feelings, and navigate social environments. During this time, they are learning social dynamics, building friendships, and adapting to structured routines, which can be both exhilarating and overwhelming. So, instead of preoccupying yourself with your child’s ability to read or not, ensure that they have a buddy on the playground or a friend to sit next to at lunch as these are also essential building blocks for personal and academic success.
Embracing the New Chapter
As your child embarks on their educational journey, remember that this is also an opportunity for you to grow. Embrace the changes, allow yourself to grieve, and look forward to the new experiences and joys that this chapter will bring. Here are a few additional tips to help you navigate this transition:
Focus on Self-Care
This transition can be emotionally taxing for parents, so it’s essential to practice self-care. Use the time when your child is at school to focus on activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, such as pursing hobbies or connecting with friends.
Stay Present
Try to stay present and appreciate each moment. Each stage of your child’s life brings unique joys and challenges. Avoid getting consumed by your own anxieties and worries to focus on more positive aspects.
Seek Support:
If feelings of grief become overwhelming, consider seeking support. Connect with other parents whose children are in your child’s class or seek professional guidance from a maternal mental health therapist. Therapy can offer coping strategies and a safe space to process your feelings.
Starting kindergarten is a major milestone, not just for your child but for you as a parent. It’s a time of growth, change, and new beginnings, filled with both challenges and joys. Acknowledge the grief, celebrate the growth, and embrace the new chapter in your parenting journey. By acknowledging your emotions, supporting your child’s independence, and building connections with their school, you can help make this transition as smooth as possible. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey—reach out for support whenever you need it and cherish the new memories you’re about to create.
Many parents share these feelings, and seeking support and understanding is a crucial part of navigating this journey.