A Parent's Guide to Working From Home (With Kids and Without Going Insane!)
PHOTO BY The Global Wizards
This is a scary and uncertain time for many people. Social distancing and state-mandated shelter-in-place have changed our lives, at least temporarily. Because of coronavirus and social distancing, you may find yourself working from home for the first time. Perhaps you regularly work remotely but are now confined to your home with your kids. With schools canceled and limited childcare options, many parents find themselves in the same boat (sinking ship?) trying to balance work and parenting responsibilities, at the same time, in the same household. Seems nearly impossible, right?
I teamed up with Career Strategist and Leadership Coach, Emily Eliza Moyer to help working parents figure out how to create a productive work environment—even with kids around—and become better at time management and prioritization.
Intention
The intention of this guide is not to make anyone feel like they are doing something wrong. But rather, these are suggestions for making a difficult time, somewhat more manageable. Remember, kids feel loved and cared for, even when they are bored. Parents are still good parents, even when they are stressed (or on the brink of going insane). This time is allowed to be about doing what you need to, making adjustments to your “normal” and simply surviving. Surviving is a form of coping and we all need to cope right now.
CREATE A FAMILY SCHEDULE
My one-year-old daughter recently started daycare where she has a schedule. In an ideal world, we would be trying to replicate this schedule. But if I am being honest, my husband and I are not doing this. At all. We are continuing her meal and nap schedule, but the rest has fallen by the wayside. I imagine that with school-aged children or older children who understand scheduling, this could be effective, such as scheduling around the school curriculum or going outside during regularly scheduled recess times. But we are just surviving over here (as I’m sure many of you are too).
Instead, we pick a few important things that have to get done each day and schedule our day around these activities. Some of these are meetings or client sessions, which take precedent. Other things on the schedule include walks outside, household responsibilities, this blog post or finding a minute to go to the bathroom alone without a toddler following me in there. These we prioritize and schedule together. The effect is that we create somewhat of a routine based on priorities, but rooted in flexibility.
With kids off school and both parents working from home, everyone’s schedules are turned upside down. But, that doesn’t mean that you should operate without one. Kids (and adults) thrive on routine so create a “routine” that feels workable for you and your family.
Sit down with your partner at the beginning of the week and create a schedule for the week, recognizing that things may (will) likely change.
Review your work priorities and family responsibilities daily.
Create a schedule that works for both you and your partner so you can switch off between working and childcare responsibilities.
If you can, schedule important calls or meetings while kids are asleep.
Take into account your partner’s schedule and communicate clearly with one another.
It’s possible one partner might be taking on more childcare responsibility than the other—and that’s okay, as long as it’s agreed upon by the both of you ahead of time.
DESIGN A PRODUCTIVE HOME ‘COWORKING’ SPACE
In therapy, I am big on this idea of creating a therapeutic space. For me, this is a warm, non-judgmental and safe environment. By initially establishing this space with my client, it allows us to do the hard work that we need to do in therapy. You can create a therapeutic or comfortable space that enables you to work effectively.
If you can, create an actual workspace in your home or convert your kitchen table to be conducive to working. Having a distinct workspace sends a message that when you are sitting here you are in work-mode. You may still be interrupted by kids, but it creates somewhat of a boundary for your kids and yourself.
Choose a comfortable place in your house to work. If your children are school-aged and have classroom assignments, create this space with them.
Have each family member set up his or her own designated “workspace”.
If you have young children try to create a separate space to work; have your partner take childcare responsibilities while you work somewhere else behind a closed door.
Try to keep your working environment free of clutter; a clean space will help you reduce distractions.
Be adaptable with a workable workspace, I know some moms who are locking themselves in the bathroom in order to get some work done. (Just don’t take a zoom meeting from in there!)
GET THE RIGHT STUFF DONE
No working parent is ever perfect at striking a balance between their jobs and their roles as parents. Now is not the time to try to become an expert. Instead, get the most important work done in the concentrated doses of time you have without distraction. Though it might seem like some of us have more time with the decrease in commute, many parents actually have less time to get their work done so practice working effectively.
Write out your goals for the hour/ day/ week and post them somewhere visible. It can be really helpful if both partners understand what the other is prioritizing and generally how much time each person needs at a minimum to get their work done each day.
At the beginning of your individual workday determine the TOP 3 PRIORITIES that must get done to achieve your goals - and do those first. When working with kids at home, who knows when your schedule might get thrown off because your partner has a work crisis or one of your kids decided to accidentally blow something up.
When you have a baby, you abide by the law: sleep when the baby sleeps. Using a similar adage, we can adapt this to find extra “magic minutes” in our day—work when the kids are nap. Your kids are finally quiet for a few minutes? Review your TOP 3 PRIORITIES and get those tasks completed.
Don’t waste your precious moments of free time on household responsibilities. You can clean, put away the laundry or unload the dishwasher with kids around. Instead, use kid-free moments to work.
Let go of high or unrealistic expectations for yourself. You may not get to everything on your list and that is okay. But beating yourself up about what you did not accomplish isn’t helpful. End your day by reflecting on successes, even small ones.
Progress not perfection is the key here. If today did not go well, identify ways you can make tomorrow better. Focus on went well, not just what is going poorly.
FLEXIBILITY IS YOUR FRIEND
As a recovering perfectionist, I have learned that nothing in motherhood is perfect. Sometimes (and just sometimes), I will get the illusion of perfection: the baby is quiet (and still breathing—I checked) and I can finally finish that email I started or that treatment plan I was working on, maybe take a second sip of my coffee, which is now cold. But it feels like I am raising against a clock (ticking time bomb), which is not a good feeling. So I take a deep breath and remember that flexibility is my friend. The email can continue to wait, eventually, that treatment plan will get done, and cold coffee can easily be transformed into iced coffee. Do what you can while your children are distracted, but know that you will need to be flexible.
Be flexible when you start and stop your day. Don’t expect to get everything done during your “normal” workday.
Be flexible on what a 9-5 looks like. Prepare to end your day early, start late, or log back on in the evenings depending on your child and family’s needs.
Allow yourself some leeway with what constitutes a productive workday.
Remember, we’re all in this together. It’s okay if you have a child screaming in the background during a conference call or one who makes an appearance during a virtual meeting.
If you are worried that being flexible will make it seem like you are not available, add a line to your e-mail signature that indicates the best time to reach out for urgent or time-sensitive matters (hint: when your children are asleep!)
Start deadlines or important assignments way in advance to ensure that they get completed on time.
Be flexible about the current state of your house—it is okay if it is a mess.
Structure breaks in your day to be with your kids. If your kids are constantly interrupting, try to take that as an opportunity to take a break and attend to your kids.
SELF-CARE IS POSSIBLE
Everyone talks about self-care as something important that we should be doing (which it is!) But for me, self-care at its best feels like another thing on my to-do list and at its worst, feels like an unattainable concept, designed to make me feel bad about what I am not doing. (Any other moms out there feel this way, or is it just me?!)
I know that I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of everyone else, but this feels much different in theory versus in practice. So instead, I think of self-care as small ways to fill myself up. The more I have in my imaginary cup, the more I can pour into everyone else’s. For some reason, this concept feels more attainable to me then self-care.
The ways I fill up my proverbial cup is to get a good night’s sleep, eat well, go outside, connect to my support system, read, and watch trashy tv (embarrassing, but true). Some days this might include exercising, other days I am in my workout clothes all day, but it just never happens. That’s okay too, as long as I can do something else for myself that day.
Self-care does not and should not go out the window with quarantine. Even if you are less likely to find a few minutes of alone time, you can still do things that are great for your soul and that will help you keep your sanity during the quarantine.
Breathe.
Take a bath when the kids go to sleep.
Meditate for five minutes before the kids wake up in the morning (or even with them at night before everyone goes to sleep)
Implement family workouts (livestream yoga anyone!?)
Take long walks (ideally in nature!) with the family
Playtime with your kids can also be playtime for you (dance party in the living room, anyone!?)
Connect with another adult.
Ask for help when you need it.
TRANSITIONS BETWEEN WORK & HOME
Transitions have always been a great way for me to ‘leave work at work’ and not bring stress home to my family. The commutes between the office and home create a natural transition time to compartmentalize your day. However, this is not available when you are transitioning from your living room to your kitchen! You can still create this transitioning buffer for yourself.
Be mindful about the importance of transitioning from work-mode to parent-mode
When spending time with your kids, leave your phone or computer in your workspace.
Block off time in your calendar to be with your kids and take breaks when needed.
At the end of the day, or whenever you plan to take a long break, log off, put away work materials and straighten up your workspace.
Do something that symbolically creates a transition, such as listening to music, changing your clothes, stretching, taking a walk outside, deep breathing or meditation.
Whatever you are doing, try to be present and fully engaged.
Single Parents
We recognize that some moms or dads out there don’t have a partner to share family responsibilities with. For you, we recommend doing an audit of time and supportive resources. What time do you have to work before kids get up and after they go to sleep? Do they take naps throughout the day? Is there a specific activity they can do for an hour (even if it’s watching a show) that will distract them enough for you to be able to get some work done? Is there a friend or family member who, even in quarantine, might be able to help out? Now is the time to ask for help if you need it.
Families Not Making an Income Right Now
For families who are unable to work remotely or do not have job stability, this is a very emotional and stressful time. What space are you giving yourself to feel these things? Are you able to do this away from children?
Even if you believe that your children are too young to understand, kids easily pick up on the energy and moods of their adult caregivers. If you feel distressed, kids will pick up on this. We recognize that this is difficult, but try to compartmentalize stress. When with your kids, try your best to be present and engaged. But also, take a few moments to yourself to go through any emotional waves that you are feeling. Remember, whatever you are feeling is natural and okay. There is never a “right” way to feel when it comes to stress and crisis. There is; however, an appropriate time and place to experience these feelings.
When to Ask for Help
Sometimes the feelings that we experience during a global crisis can have a lasting impact on our mental health. If you find that you are struggling more than others or unable to cope during this time, you may need professional help and support. Ask for help if:
You are unable to sleep for several days in a row.
You are feeling hopeless about the future.
You are no longer interested or finding pleasure in activities that you used to enjoy.
You are withdrawing from others and purposefully isolating. (Remember, social distancing is not social isolation).
You are not functioning as well as you used to.
You are ignoring important responsibilities or self-care.
You are using substances more than usual.
You are having thoughts about self-harm.
Don’t ignore these symptoms, reach out for help today.